I wrote these words a year ago as we were in the thick of chemotherapy. They spilled out of me in one sitting and I believe they were meant for you. Please reach out if I can pray through anything that is stirred up!

April 7, 2022

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Death. 

Whenever you hear about a cancer diagnosis, you instantly question the prognosis.

It was my first fear after reading the email on December 7th that stated “malignant suspected”. Matt and I sat on the floor of our room and just cried. We tried to utter prayers but it was really just big giant tears. In the week to follow, the thought would creep in, trying to rob me of the present moment. When the kids did something sweet. When they did something not-so-sweet and I got upset. When I’d think ahead to the future and wonder how long I’d be in their memories. When we were amidst a terrible kitchen renovation during the entire holiday season and Satan would whisper “What if this is your last and you wanting a new kitchen made your family spend it like this.”

Real thoughts, folks.

Those weeks between MRI and biopsy were the hardest spiritual battle of this journey. As we attended Christmas Eve service just a few hours after my biopsy, all I could think of was how excited I was to stand in the same sanctuary months later on Easter. By Easter we would have answers. If it was something, this whole ordeal could be over by Easter. If it wasn’t, Easter would have an entirely new meaning. 

As we know, it was something. But goodness gracious “YES” Easter has an entirely new meaning.

Because like Jesus, I realized I quickly had to face every mother’s, wife’s, daughter’s biggest fear – and come to terms with death. I had to address it, have an incredibly honest talk with God about it, and 100% hand it over to Him. Otherwise, those thoughts would cripple me and rob every ounce of strength I would need to fight the physical and mental battle in front of me.

I handed it over to Him before I even knew the results of the biopsy. 

I handed it over to Him because I know my battle has already been won.

It was won on the cross. On Good Friday. Through death.

You know, the elephant in the room.

And ever since that Good Friday, death has no sting because the story did not end there. 

Because this battle I’m fighting now (and every battle I’ll ever fight) was won on the cross that day, I don’t have to fear death. I don’t have to wonder what if. I don’t have to worry or question or let anxiety rob me of the precious numbered days we have on this earth. I know I am FREE from those thoughts because He conquered death and rose again.

Since the Victory is in Jesus, our Victory is waiting for us in heaven. That is the whole point of this faith walk. To fear and question that, would be missing the whole point.

So how are we to live our days whilst none of us knowing their exact number? Are we suppose to live them conjuring up stories in our heads about what would happen if God called us home and our kids grew up without a mother? (I can say that, because I did it.) HELL NO. We’re to spend our days modeling an imperfect life devoted to Christ to our children. Of making sure they know with every piece of their being that they are loved, cherished and chosen by their earthly parents and more than any of us could ever fathom by their Father in heaven. We’re to spend our days leading them to their Savior (who is not us) so one day we will be reunited as a family in heaven for eternity.

And we can’t fully do that if we’re still holding on to fear or worry or anxiety or anger. We are free from all of that. Not just on good days. Or Sundays. Or when we’re so abruptly reminded that life here on Earth isn’t our Eternal home.

We are free from that always. If we’re able to just hand it over to Him.

Over the past 4 months I’ve been poked and prodded and injected with fluids directly into my bloodstream that are so terrible the nurses have to wear PPE in case a drop were to splash on their skin. All while not knowing what’s really going on inside my body.

I’m walking through this today able to tell you that I have not had a single thought about fearing death cross my mind since those weeks between MRI and biopsy.

I handed those fears over to Him before I even started the fight, so He could instead fill those places with the strength I needed to fight.

What are you holding onto today? What have you been offered complete freedom from, but you’re still feeling held captive? Give it to Him. He wants to free you! The proof is on the cross.

Practical tips for worry and anxiety:

-Take every thought captive. Nip the thought before it is given time to multiply.

-What you absorb is what you will feel. You know how when you hear a song and then it replays in your head the rest of the day? Make sure good stuff goes into you (music, tv, conversation, social media) so good stuff is replaying through your head throughout the day.

-Get to the root of it. Recognize the thought, then ask “why?”. Then ask why again and again until you get down to the real bite-size reason for the thought. Then chomp it.

Now back to March 2023…

I’m grateful to say my doctors now label me “No Evidence of Disease”. It’s surreal to look back on 2022 and recount all that we did. As I read the words of above, I remember every emotion and I’m encouraged by the truths I clung to in that season. Not only can I trust Him in the big life altering things that hit you from left field – but also the smaller daily ins and outs of life. I needed that reminder today. Maybe you did too <3